Sunday, December 19, 2010

Shitting the bed while winning a dick eating contest on an atom bomb: By Mike Finazzo

I bombed.  I bombed hard.  It was like Pearl Harbor.  Not the underwhelming box office performance of the Ben Affleck shitfest.... but like the island in Hawaii that Japanese dropped bombs on (an event that inspired that terrible ball-eating Ben Affleck movie).

Now there is certain terminology we use to describe bombings.  First, there is the common "I bombed."  "I bombed" is the equivalent to "I sucked" or "I blew." Bombing is common.  Everyone does it and every comedian has said that phrase.

"Shitting the bed" is a popular phrase.  I have seen a lot of comedians shit the bed.  I've even shit the bed once or twice.  I like to think of shitting the bed as bombing in front of a small audience (something common in Baltimore).  It is not uncommon to have an open mic with eight comedians and six apathetic audience members.  Sometimes you have a bad set or a good set where no one laughs and it's like shitting a bed.  You made a mess but no one is there to see it.  However, you are still stuck with the neuroses and humiliation and lying and settling in your own feces.  Insert funny joke with the word "poop" in it to end this paragraph.

"I ate a dick" or "eating a dick" is also a favorite among comedians.  I learned this phrase from my good friend Tommy Sinbazo.  Tommy bombed once and said "I ate a dick last night." At first I thought this was a performance art piece.  Tommy used to dabble in prop comedy so maybe he literally ate a dick on stage (he owns a double-headed dildo)..... But  how exactly would he eat a dick?  Would he use a fork and knife and cut a grilled penis into bite size pieces or he would he chomp into that son of a bitch like a 7-11 Big Bite.  Obviously, T-Bone did not eat a genitalia.  He had a bad set and described it as a good ole' dick eatin'.  I picked this phrase up and use it whenever I have a poor set.

There really is no way to get around dick eating while shitting in your bed.  It happens.  Every comedian  has bad sets.  Sometimes there is barely an audience.  Sometimes you have an audience that doesn't understand or wants no parts of you.  Sometimes you just flat out suck.  Last night I just flat out sucked.  But as always, I record all my sets.  I'll watch the game film and get back on the horse.  I'll learn from it and get better.  I'll also be ready for it to happen again (but like every other person that does this more than a handful of times... it will).

There is a great book called "I Killed." It's basically 200 essays/short stories of comedian road stories.  The book is a collection of every well known comedians telling the story of their best bombing.  The book is honest, humbling and hilarious.  I like reading it, because it's written proof that people more famous and way better at this than me have had similar and often times worse experiences.

Anyway, I'm going back to the drawing board and working as hard as possible to make my next set as good as it can be. So until my next dick eating, I leave you with a video of Bill Hicks (a comedian better than pretty much everyone who has ever tried this) talking about his worst gig.

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